Friday, February 23, 2007

The reason for my bad day




I first wanted to say, thank you to all of you who are so supportive of me, it makes me feel loved and important from all my online bloggy friends who I've never actually met but feel so close to, so much so I feel comfortable sharing my pain with you all, so you understand why I am so very sad.

My dh and I have been trying for some time to get pregnant without any success. We went to a fertility dr. and had tests run and I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome) and I was told that I was most likely not able to actually get pregnant (too many cysts in my ovaries which didn't allow ovulation, etc.), so Ray and I looked at the other options and our hearts led us to China, and thus our dream of parenthood started to become a reality. Our journey to Chynna has filled our hearts with such love and happiness.

Well b/c of the PCOS it is not unusual for me not to have a menstrual cycle for a few months, so when I didn't have one for about 3 months, nothing unusual there. And I am quite moody normally so nothing weird there either. Well I started getting really itchy feeling, all over and all the time, so about 1 1/2 months ago I went to my primary dr who ran blood work and a pregnancy test (which came back negative) and my histamine levels were high so he thought I was allergic to something (or b/c my stress level was up b/c of work related things) so he had me take antihistamine to reduce the itching.

Two weeks ago I started my menstrual cycle, kinda, again not weird that it was light.

Then about 2:00 a.m. on 2/22 I awoke in the middle of the night with pains in my lower abdomen. I wasn't sure what it was, thinking my stomach was getting upset or I was having gas pains. I tried to go back to sleep, which I would do for about 1/2 an hour or so. Ray said I would wake up and tell him it hurt so bad and then go back to sleep, he wasn't sure if I was "dreaming" or what so he didn't think about it. Then about 3:30 a.m. or 4:00 a.m. it was getting worse and more often. By 5:00 a.m. it was happening about every 2-3 minutes. I called my mom to ask "what do labor pains feel like" to which she asked "why" and when I told her (while having more and more severe pains) she insisted I go to the ER right away. Ray rushed me to the hospital and while awaiting our "turn" in the ER I miscarried, a baby I didn't even know I was carrying, nor would I understand this until hours and hours later. They ran a urine test (with what little I could give them), blood work (after poking me like I was a pin cushion cuz my veins are difficult to find), and ultrasounds (inside and out). The ER dr. about 1:00 p.m. (when we finally got to see him) asked me (and these were the first words out of his mouth) "how long have you been pregnant" and "why didn't you tell the nurses when you first got here". Ray and I were in complete shock, what do you mean pregnant???? And how did I not know I was pregnant??? I was still having some severe pains but not as bad as when I first got there at 5:30 a.m. He did a vaginal exam and thinks he removed the remainder of the fetal tissue. He told me they couldn't find a baby when they did the ultrasounds so they believe I miscarried that morning in the ER waiting room too. He told me my levels were so high I "had to be pregnant for some time now".

Now I am just sad, angry, happy (because I found out I can get pregnant), confused, it's strange. My emotions are just all over, I don't know how to feel.

But then I think, I am so loved by my husband, my family, my friends, my co-workers, and my online friends. And I know I will make it through this, it will take some time, but I know I am strong and I can pull through this.

Besides, the CCAA is gonna work hard after CNY and the lines are gonna start moving quicker, and before we know it, Chynna will be in our arms and home where she belongs.

And that my friends is why my bad day was worse than yesterday's poop picture...

19 comments:

Joannah said...

I'm so sorry! That must be very confusing and sad.

Peace to you.

a&mg said...

Man, I am so sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through right now, but you are right--you will get through it and you have many people who are here for suppport.

eggrolls and chopsticks said...

Oh Dannye, this is just plain horrid and I am so sorry for you both.
Thanks for sharing and I hope your pain starts to subside shortly.
(((Hugs)))

Anonymous said...

Dannye, I am so sorry for your loss.

~MW

nikki said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Dannye.
That is just so horrible. To find out you were pregnant and had a miscarriage all in the same moment is just so mind boggling.

But, you do have a wonderful support system, and you already sound like you are coping. You are an amazingly strong woman.

Sending you love!!!!

Steffie B. said...

Oh Dannye, I am so sorry. Life is such a puzzling thing. Hang on to the fact that you made this decision to adopt. Who knows what the future holds, but I do know that you are going to be a wonderful, loving, kind and beautiful Mommy to your precious bundle from China.
Sending you hugs and prayers,

Kim :) said...

Dannye... just wanted you to know my heart is with you! I am so sorry for your rotten day...

Praying for you...

tundrachica said...

Sorry for your loss and I share your pain living with PCOS. I wish you and your DH a healthy healing.

Jonni said...

Dannye,
I am so sorry for your pain. My thoughts and prayers are going out to you and hubby. I hope you feel better soon.

Hugs,
Jonni

Walker said...

I wanted to send you a little Hope. I know as confused and hurt you must be, it's very hard to see God's hand through this painful ordeal. The hope is that you can be pregnant! Nobody...not even doctors, can know God's Plan for our lives. Though I haven't experienced the pain of the loss of a child, I've been a shoulder for many friends who were told the exact same thing you were....and they beat the odds, because they believed that God was in the miracle working business and that He could replace their pain for sure Joy.
My husband & I tried for over a year with our first child, and I can remember reading the story of Hannah in the Bible. All she wanted was a son. She broke before the Lord and fell to her knees in prayer begging God if He would only remember His servant Hannah and open her womb to give her a son, she would give him to the Lord for all the days of his life. She kept her promise to God & God opened her womb & she became pregnant with a sweet baby boy! This story is found in 1 Samuel chapter 1. There is Joy in times of sorrow. Look to God for your strength. I will be praying for you and your husband during this time & I can't wait to see that beautiful baby Chynna .....coming soon I know!!!
Love in His Name,
Keisha
(just another caring cyber-friend)
ps. we too are adopting our webblog is www.walkerwalker.blogspot.com

redmaryjanes said...

Oh, my heart is so sad. I'm sorry my friend.

kris said...

I think these are losses we never get "over"- the scars become a part of who we are, and hopefully give us a greater perspective on the whole of life, what means the most to us... I hope that your healing will bring peace.
Kris

Michelle said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. That must have been truly awful. Although I am quite familiar with chronic pain, I do not know the pain of losing a child. Thank you for visiting my blog. I have added you to my bloglines. I look forward to following along with you on your journey!

Tawni said...

*hug*

Doris & Dan said...

I am sorry to hear that. I am sorry for your loss and for the pain you are all going through.

Keep smilin!

new girl said...

Oh wow, Dannye. I am so far behind on your news, but I wanted to let you know how sorry I am. What a painful, confusing time. I am thinking about you.

Tina Powis-Dow said...

I had no idea you were going through this. I am so sorry.

fellow July 2006 firefly

Sara said...

I'm so sorry for the loss and the insensitive ER Dr. FWIW, I also have PCOS and was able to conceive 6 children (2 are now angels). I do hope that your little one (Chynna) is home in your arms, soon.

Alyson & Ford said...

I just found your blog.... you came to mine during the "Blog Party Slumber Party".
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope when you are stronger you and DH will plan a special memorial for your Baby #1. Miscarriages are not for us to know why; talk about it often, seek other women to share this special pain and remember baby with a loving memorial. (Email me from my blog and I will tell you what we did after a miscarriage).

Alyson