Friday, February 23, 2007
The reason for my bad day
I first wanted to say, thank you to all of you who are so supportive of me, it makes me feel loved and important from all my online bloggy friends who I've never actually met but feel so close to, so much so I feel comfortable sharing my pain with you all, so you understand why I am so very sad.
My dh and I have been trying for some time to get pregnant without any success. We went to a fertility dr. and had tests run and I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome) and I was told that I was most likely not able to actually get pregnant (too many cysts in my ovaries which didn't allow ovulation, etc.), so Ray and I looked at the other options and our hearts led us to China, and thus our dream of parenthood started to become a reality. Our journey to Chynna has filled our hearts with such love and happiness.
Well b/c of the PCOS it is not unusual for me not to have a menstrual cycle for a few months, so when I didn't have one for about 3 months, nothing unusual there. And I am quite moody normally so nothing weird there either. Well I started getting really itchy feeling, all over and all the time, so about 1 1/2 months ago I went to my primary dr who ran blood work and a pregnancy test (which came back negative) and my histamine levels were high so he thought I was allergic to something (or b/c my stress level was up b/c of work related things) so he had me take antihistamine to reduce the itching.
Two weeks ago I started my menstrual cycle, kinda, again not weird that it was light.
Then about 2:00 a.m. on 2/22 I awoke in the middle of the night with pains in my lower abdomen. I wasn't sure what it was, thinking my stomach was getting upset or I was having gas pains. I tried to go back to sleep, which I would do for about 1/2 an hour or so. Ray said I would wake up and tell him it hurt so bad and then go back to sleep, he wasn't sure if I was "dreaming" or what so he didn't think about it. Then about 3:30 a.m. or 4:00 a.m. it was getting worse and more often. By 5:00 a.m. it was happening about every 2-3 minutes. I called my mom to ask "what do labor pains feel like" to which she asked "why" and when I told her (while having more and more severe pains) she insisted I go to the ER right away. Ray rushed me to the hospital and while awaiting our "turn" in the ER I miscarried, a baby I didn't even know I was carrying, nor would I understand this until hours and hours later. They ran a urine test (with what little I could give them), blood work (after poking me like I was a pin cushion cuz my veins are difficult to find), and ultrasounds (inside and out). The ER dr. about 1:00 p.m. (when we finally got to see him) asked me (and these were the first words out of his mouth) "how long have you been pregnant" and "why didn't you tell the nurses when you first got here". Ray and I were in complete shock, what do you mean pregnant???? And how did I not know I was pregnant??? I was still having some severe pains but not as bad as when I first got there at 5:30 a.m. He did a vaginal exam and thinks he removed the remainder of the fetal tissue. He told me they couldn't find a baby when they did the ultrasounds so they believe I miscarried that morning in the ER waiting room too. He told me my levels were so high I "had to be pregnant for some time now".
Now I am just sad, angry, happy (because I found out I can get pregnant), confused, it's strange. My emotions are just all over, I don't know how to feel.
But then I think, I am so loved by my husband, my family, my friends, my co-workers, and my online friends. And I know I will make it through this, it will take some time, but I know I am strong and I can pull through this.
Besides, the CCAA is gonna work hard after CNY and the lines are gonna start moving quicker, and before we know it, Chynna will be in our arms and home where she belongs.
And that my friends is why my bad day was worse than yesterday's poop picture...